The Prize Winner of Defiance

why is it I am always more motivated to do things for other people? don't answer it, I don't want to know. sat in aroma's for two hours and finally said what I've been feeling for a while now, with ease actually, possibly with grace--I don't know who I am when I'm alone. That is, when I'm not adapting to other people, not waiting for something great to happen so I can start to live my life. We made a pact, this friend and I, fight the summer depression by taking charge of our own damn lives, making choices for ourselves. I'm failing miserably. brilliant actually, when you consider I'm going to school to learn to make choices. and not even just choices, DYNAMIC choices. I suppose I am just ranting now, doing exactly what I've always done. but perhaps I am allowed? after all, I'm making the choice to rant. I am sitting at the keyboard with the knowledge that tomorrow I will be attending Home Depot Orientation (sports tape intact), and still I am choosing to rant. It seems that I am always wanting to be somewhere other than where I am, hence the desire to play make believe for a living? like Genevieve I am waiting. waiting, waiting, waiting. and she was right when she said it's lonely. the kick is, I do it to myself. and then I think of Richard Curtis--such a wonderful teacher, an exceptional teacher--there is no free will, he said. I've heard it before, I'm sure we all have. but this time he explained it, and I listened. There is no free will because we are all products of our environment and our genetic code, and so we are going to respond to something predictably based on those things. It's not that I'm choosing, it's that I'm "programmed" to choose a certain way. It's not the way I live my life, but it's interesting to think about. this is a full blown rant and there is a full blown scream going on in me. about what, about the absence of things. just the sheer empty absence of things. this doesn't have an end, or middle, and I don't know where it will go, hopefully I'll come out guns blazing and the summer depression will cower at my feet. hopefully I will find more than just a string of sentences. fight on.